If tomorrow never comes

So its been a (Very, Very) long time since I posted my first blog post under its most current iteration, and that is largely because I thought I was on the up and up - I didnt feel the need to express myself in wroting because my feelings were largely positive - major win for someone like me!

That hasn't changed overly much, I have made a few major decisions in recent months that have been a strive for change, an upward trend so to speak.
Recently however, I was posed with a rather confronting question by a good (see; AMAZING) friend of mine that didnt expect an immediate answer. Im sure it was intended to be one of those existential "take a step back and have a look at your life" kind of questions. It was as follows;

"Imagine were to discover that for you, and only for you, tomorrow wasn't coming. Your life stops there and all that is left behind is what you have out in place. If you were to take a snapshot of your life at that moment and have the opportunity to analyse it all, does your today end happy?"

A lot to digest at first glance, particularly as a question you arent wuite expecting. It was a bit of a write off at first - I didnt think much about it cause theres always going to be little things youd like to change... I was encouraged to actuslly givr the question a fair go. I was to take some time to reflect and then report back. I did, kind of.

Im a very process oriented person; The small details and quirky little nuggets of information mean alot to me. So I decided that in order to tackle this question, I needed to have a crack at breaking the topic (my life) into discernable chunks. I naturally went with three categories; work, home, play. I reason that almost all relationships and/or interactions I will have will happen at or during one of these categories (I classified random encounters as home just in case y'all were wondering)

I really wanted to nail this down so I actually wrote a small list for all of the things that inwould need to consider and then divvied them up into their little categories. I got a significant number of them all down pat, and barring a few niggly little things about some interactions at work, or with family, I was happy. I feel as though I do pretty alright by most people so I cant think of a huge amount of regrets I have.
There was lne though, and its a pretty big one. I realised that if I ceased to exist, I'm not sure if She would know how I feel.
For anonymity I will call her She, but She does have a name, and she is a very close friend of mine. She is in a relationship with a guy who I became friends with because of She, but as it turns out She and He are very VERY vastly different people and they are kind of in a bad spot. Im not that asshole thats going to rejoice in this kind of stuff just because of how I feel either, it sucks that they both seem unhappy and all, but it kind of made me realize that she /might/ be single some time soon and its made me have a think about how I feel.

It is worth mentioning that She and I are VERY close, I am close with her family (they are the sweetest little outfit youve ever seen) and she is close with mine (not so sweet, think more obnoxious)
We spend alot of time together and we talk often when we arent together. This context is imporrsnt more so for myself than for anyone else because it makes me feel more comfortable in justifying that I am in love with She. I have been for some time, and quite honestly I genuinely believe that we should end up together. She could very well be the mother of my children and I would be the happiest man alive.
All that being said, one of her more endearing qualities is that she is simultaneously oblivious to her surroundings, and also has the memory of a toddler. Im surprised she has object permanence down pat. That sounds a little mean but its at the point where she will get halfway through telling me somethign exciting about her work, get halfway through and ask me if She has told me the story before. Of course she has, but She is so cute when she gets talking about stuff she is proud of and I csnt bring myself to take that from her.
But this whole situation leads me to believe that it is highly likely that She has literally no idea how head over heels I am for her. I dont know for sure though; She could break up with He tomorrow and jump my bones, but I am far too cautious to even entertain the idea.

But I am quite sure that She has no idea. I was speaking to a workmate about this conclusion today, and they said that I obviously shouldnt let her know how I feel now, whilst she is in a relstionship. But if She and He do break up, that I should make my intentions clear straight away. The idea isnt to pressure her into anything she wont be ready for, but to put things out in the open. Make sure we are both on the same page. Worst thing that can happen is she says no and we move forward so how can it hurt?

I'm super grateful for having been asked the tough question, cause it made me answer a question for myself that I didnt know needed asking. But I can honestly say that despite what alot of people might say, I have a good grass in where I am at, I am happy, I am comfortable, and I am motivated.
I am proud of who I am, what I am becoming, and the things I already do and am prepared to donin order to help those around me. Under it all, I considering myself to be a fully functioning member of society that is leading a life I csn hopefully look back on with pride.
I'd like to say that...

I'm a grown-up, I swear.

What am I even doing?

So here I am again, sitting in front of my screen, telling myself I am going to stick to the whole blogging thing this time. Why? Because well, it's something alot of adults do, right?

I had never understood why, but for the longest time I have felt the need to express many of my own ideas in writing; until of course I reflected on many of my past experiences and came to the conclusion that I simply don't feel comfortable expressing myself to people because the uncertainty of their reactions makes me anxious and uncomfortable.

I've never thought that I understood the world and the way it works as well as everyone else seemed to; I felt very much like an outsider looking in through an open window. Not so separated from normal that I cannot operate within the normal bounds of society, but not a member of the herd, so to speak (Trying to convey my analogy properly without applying negative connotations is difficult, i'll try harder next time).

In saying that, I have found it progressively easier to compile what I think I know about what I am supposed to do into how I am supposed to act around normal folk. It's not difficult to put up a facade when you feel like you aren't normal, especially when you're younger. I find myself growing increasingly attracted to what that facade offers however. As I grow older I can see myself being a loving husband, doting father, and an upstanding member of my community.

So I have been struggling with my own identity over the past six months especially, as I try and navigate my way from socially awkward and goofy teen, to a person I can be proud to be.
This feels like a really natural way of introducing what it is I wish to accomplish with my latest writing commitment. My goal is to document and archive the life of what you could expect the life of a young adult to be like; what my feelings are, and how I choose to interact versus how I want to react to various typical encounters with 'normal' people.

There are already so many awesome things that I am just bursting to write about, but to give you (and myself) some kind of reasonable expectations as to the quantity and frequency of my writing I will limit myself to (hopefully) two or three exerts from my life per week. That being said, I have yet to develop what seems to be the inherent defining feature of most adults I know and respect; perfect commitment to deadlines; I can't promise perfection right away, or ever really.

But despite what many people may tell you:
I'm a grown-up, I swear.